Understanding Anger

We all experience anger at times. Managing anger is essential to our happiness. It is also essential for our relationships, because anger hurts others as well as ourselves.

If you find yourself prone to angry outbursts, or if you have internalised your anger to the point that you block out any other positive emotions, then it is time for some self-reflection and personal insight.

In certain contexts anger is sometimes seen as a strength, a type of macho behaviour that demonstrates power and puts others in their place. In some abusive relationships it is used as a tool to oppress another individual and make them fearful and submissive. Individuals who use anger like this are often deeply troubled within themselves. They have not learnt to control their emotions, so they pick on other vulnerable people, lashing out at them verbally or physically while masking their own deep insecurities and sense of inadequacy. 

Sometimes angry outbursts seem to come out of the blue. Although a person may be enduring stress or anxiety they can appear relatively in control, and an angry outburst will appear to be out of character and shocking to themselves and to others. This is a clear indication, however, that the anger is reflecting real distress and that they have reached breaking point. Rarely does an outburst really come out of the blue. More often than not there will have been signs that they were getting close to an outburst but were either unable or unwilling to recognise these signs and take action to mitigate things. It is often the case that they were unwilling to ask for help which could have helped avert the outburst.

Certain personality types just don’t want to admit that they are distressed. They see it a sign of weakness so they carry on regardless until the stress becomes too much and they explode. It is often not easy to encourage an angry person to talk to someone about their emotions. It may make them even feel more angry as you, in their eyes, have defined them as someone with a problem when they may see everyone else as being the source of the problem.  They often have a dismissive stock response along the lines of:  “just leave me alone and I will calm down” .

Useful Facts about Anger

• Anger is not a pure emotion, rather it can be the expression that masks other emotions such as fear, hurt, sadness, or shame.
• A display of anger is not always a bad thing that must be immediately shut down. Sometimes anger can trigger a discussion about feelings that had been hidden for a long time. This can be a driver for change if the individual is helped to gain some personal insight.
• Anger can affect individuals physiologically, especially if it is a frequent or protracted l response to common events and situations. Anger can cause the body to be flooded with cortisol which is damaging both emotionally and physically, often leading to health problems and depression.
• Certain environments can drive people to become angry. For example individuals who are hyper-sensitive to noise will become angry if bombarded with noise for an extended period.
• Individuals who are enduring acute or chronic pain can also be driven to anger. They may see no end in sight and, because they feel a sense of injustice and despair, it may take only a small negative event to trigger an angry explosion.
• Anger can lead to personal insight. Sometimes when a person loses control of their emotions it can serve as a wakeup call for themselves and those close to them, and can be an opportunity for an intervention.

Causes of Anger

• Sleep. The importance of getting good quality sleep cannot be over-emphasised. Research suggests that sleep deprivation causes an imbalance between increased emotional brain activity and lower levels of activity in the part of the brain that regulates emotions. Lack of sleep provokes bad moods and irritability, leading sufferers to become increasingly intolerant and likely to have angry outbursts.
• Self assurance. Some individuals are not happy in their own skin and they feel that they don’t come up to standards of others, perhaps in in terms of their looks, social skills, jobs, wealth, or abilities. This can lead to resentment and anger, sometimes aimed both at themselves and those they feel inferior to.
• Abuse. Abuse can trigger not only great sadness but also fierce anger. A victim’s perception that they have been singled out for abuse can ignite a sense outrage and frustration. These feelings may be hidden from the world until some trigger causes them to be released in an explosion of anger.  Potential triggers could include reminders of the abuse or the person who inflicted it, or could be as simple as well intentioned suggestions to ‘be positive’ or ‘let it go’.
• Trauma. Divorce, bereavement, losing a job, or experiencing financial issues are examples of the sorts of traumatic events that can trigger angry outbursts.
• Relationships. Breakdowns in relationships, when people feel misunderstood and not listened to, can also give rise to anger. Relationships can descend into dances of anger where neither party will back down or really listen to the other. It becomes a self-reinforcing pattern of interaction. Anger can be expressed as childlike manipulative behaviour especially when someone is not getting what they want. It is almost as they are reverting back to toddlerhood.

Keys to Managing Anger

• Pause and become aware of your emotions. What does that mean in practice? It means that you stop in your tracks and question and challenge your feelings and behaviour. Can you communicate your feelings in a better way? Is it necessary to shout and lose control? Are you being heard and understood when you are feeling angry, or, as is much more common, is your anger distracting from your message and causing people not to hear your point of view.
• If faced with an angry person who is being unreasonable – walk away. This can apply in nearly all situations, whether it is with a stranger, a family member, or a friend. Calmly asking the person to calm down may not diffuse their anger but you can tell them that you will talk to them when they have cooled down. Responding to anger with more anger kills any chance of working things out.
• Use humour where possible. This may seem like an impossible suggestion but humour can diffuse anger. Self-effacing jokes or being aware of the your out of control histrionics can be a surprisingly helpful tool in managing anger. Sometimes our angry outpourings are illogical, unreasonable, and plain silly. Through humorous self-awareness, you can gain some insight into your behaviour.
• Be truthful with yourself and ask yourself “why am I angry – what is going on for me – can I stop being untrue to myself and get help”. This means casting aside any idea you may have that seeking help for a destructive emotion is a sign of weakness. The opposite is the truth – it is a recognition that you can’t go on living in an angry state and that something has to change. If you are angry, start that path of self-discovery and try bring positive changes into your life.
• Find ways to calm your mind and body. Even if you don’t think you’re a natural candidate for mindfulness, there are self-soothing ways that you can try, for example a walk in the forest, swim in the sea, listening to music or taking up a hobby that you enjoy.
• Don’t put off open honest conversations with a loved one who may be frustrating you or with whom you have come to an emotional roadblock. Think first about their good qualities, why you chose them as a partner, about good times you had together. Coming from that base it is more likely that some resolution can be arrived at which can avert anger. Listen to their point of view and it may yield insights into what has been going wrong.

When anger arises, you have to think of the consequences for you and those around you. Do you want to waste your life feeling angry or you want to live a positive life? We all suffer injustices and wrongs our lives and people can behave cruelly towards us and hurt our feelings, but learning to rise about them, keeping calm while asserting  yourself  can guarantee that you will win out over anger rather than be its victim.